I am Anya Jones.

I'm an NYC stand-up, among other things. You can see me on any of the shows listed, or lurking around MacDougal St.



list and MAP of pandemic mics
Live & Unqualified (monthly show and podcast)
Chalkboards

Booking, Collaboration, Adornment, Hate Mail, Questions, and the Abyss:

Remembering everything everyones ever said like its a symphony

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 18, 2023

the only things people really only seek in others: competence and hygeine

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) August 24, 2023

dont infect me with bad taste, stop ruining my genre, and quit fucking up MY MILE TIME

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 22, 2023

Me to the alcoholics on the bus: " no judgement here, boss, im well versed in a life of compromise myself!!"

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 14, 2023

emotionally speaking, it was a very productive funeral

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 22, 2023

All things patient and kind are my business

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 28, 2023

The earth has disappeared beneath my feet, it fled from all my ecstasy

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 21, 2023

"i don't care about your super, your burrito, or where you have to be tomorrow morning" ....and I liked that!!

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 20, 2023

Gimme a sec here, i gotta look up multiples of 17 to be ready for this

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 19, 2023

Even the laws of the united states are but a minor inconvenience

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

Receive your fate like porridge-- hope for nothing

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

Me to myself sometimes "shhh russia isnt real, its a fantasy you use to torture yourself. Sh shhhh it isnt real..."

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 18, 2023

*me putting something in my pocket* "dont worry boss, this is merely the transportation method for this valuable thing of yours, not its destination!"

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 17, 2023

I want to enjoy everything and need nothing

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 17, 2023

I keep getting my arm chopped off, i wish itd stop growing back

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 16, 2023

You have everything you need to make your life a nightmare.... stop following the recipe!

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

I will not let sadness posses you, i will borrow all the gold i need to buy you out

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

Go easy on me please, i am new to the infinite

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

The lives of others lay their path through you

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

be a relief to any seeker on any path

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

Be exactly what they needed

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

The world is lucky youre not mean, we'd stand no chance against a vessel like yours!

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

Be a lamp, a lifeboat, be a ladder

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

Be a russian, be a good jew, be a financier, a loan shark, if theres one thing ive noticed: no one will mind

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

Be ancient, be graceful, be a mammal afterall

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

Be simple like children, be wise like snakes

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

But let your thoughts fall from your grace like leaves, they weren't yours to begin with

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023

what a shame it is, to not put a heart like yours to good use

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

My working setup hehehehe pic.twitter.com/ncbdEz6pmy

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

Sometimes i find old to do lists of mine and its a cross of embarassing and endearing... "look at her.. she wanted raisins, what a simple soul"

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) June 10, 2023

i dont want a half love, a half life, or half of anything

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

Hope is when you lead your inner self into a house that doesnt yet exist; do not betray yourself with fantasy

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 14, 2023

Dont lead yourself into imaginary rooms and pray they materialize

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 15, 2023

Where does life end and i begin

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) May 12, 2023

Having finished the pb&j, i quickly conceded that it wasnt the answer

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 14, 2023

ITS RAINING INTO MY SANDWICH

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 14, 2023

My dick burning, been jacking off with gasoline

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) August 25, 2023

It is a difficult and unnatural decision to clear your mind

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 13, 2023

cant respond, working on my meteoric rise to the top

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 7, 2023

was "i'm in the middle of a dying grandpa" not the right way to say it?

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 7, 2023

Of all thoughts better left for dead, is there anything worse than trying to understand

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 4, 2023

Why does my brain reach, reach, and keep reaching for other brains, like an ivy, why? I keep telling myself no one has anything for me, i keep telling myself "no"

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 4, 2023

Consider the "supreme court on porn" meets "climb everest" attitude to life. Know it when you see it and do it because it's there.

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 3, 2023

On september mountain

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 30, 2023

Remember back then in the civic?

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 21, 2023

Even a ficus is a sign of hope

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 27, 2023

Live on, lil blue toyota

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 27, 2023

I keep trying to trace the thought back to the origin of trouble. But the trouble came before the thought

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 25, 2023

Commit crimes you can be proud of ♥️

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 24, 2023

Stay among us, the living

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 23, 2023

any of u infidels know bout the knowledge????

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 21, 2023

They didnt know that I HAD THE KNOWLEDGE

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 21, 2023

you ever dream about having relations with a mighty sequoia?

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 20, 2023

Lemme get a bagol wit lemin

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 20, 2023

Chain me to the main event

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

(1/4) If all the world and all of time could be captured in an image or a symbol, of course I'd tattoo that on me

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

(2/4) but any attempt to grab everything only continues to divide

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

3/4 so why would i divide the universe by drawing a line on my skin

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

He was at home in the language of the sandwich

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 10, 2023

pareto's distribution, but for life. 80% of life is contained in 20% of the living.

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 19, 2023

Hit er with a speech, chicks love a speech!

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 18, 2023

My brain smooth and hollow

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 16, 2023

But the world of ruin lays its path through me

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 16, 2023

Look at you, you're one sunny day away

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 10, 2023

Youre like the first sentence of a book

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 10, 2023

Guy got a face like a broken staircase

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 10, 2023

Im in pure tchadensis mode

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 16, 2023

2. Dont speak unless necessary, youll embarass yourself

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) August 27, 2023

Ive been to every recess of my mind, ive seen nothing justifying the everpresent hope i feel

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 15, 2023

I keep tryna talk to my mom about saber tooth tigers and shes pretending shes not interested, but i know her, I'll crack the old bird eventually

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 14, 2023

Round of success for the boys, on me

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 5, 2023

Shout out to the good times crew

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) August 27, 2023

One time i was in manhattan when the year ended and another one went by

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 8, 2023

Wakeup to the sound of my spine hitting the ground

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 6, 2023

The only moral act is getting your mile time down

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 3, 2023

Brooklyn yesterday pic.twitter.com/YQzy3ecOnp

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 13, 2023

if you loved me youd hunt me like caribou

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 13, 2023

where is my little sister and who is this slut colossus?

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 13, 2023

The post crime wardrobe change

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) August 24, 2023

Go kiss the earth that you've defiled

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 11, 2023

The most beautiful things come out your mouth

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 8, 2023

Japan doesnt do street names because what is a street? A street is an empty space between houses, you cant name something that isnt anything

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 11, 2023

Streets are the silence between the sounds of buildings

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 11, 2023

Theres two guys that work behind the deli counter at this grocery store i go to when im at work

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 12, 2023

One of them is everything you need-- clean, always in a good mood, happy to help, and competent

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 12, 2023

The other guy is angry at the world AND TAKES IT OUT ON MY SANDWICH WHICH I CANNOT FORGIVE

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 12, 2023

I still go, i still order the sandwich from him because what am i gonna do? Remain sandwichless? IM NOT AN INFIDEL TO REMAIN SANDWICHLESS

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) September 12, 2023

Dont these people know im alive and at their disposal

— anya🗽 jones 🏹 (@jonesofarc23) October 1, 2023